Regret

Hello old friend...it's been awhile. How have you been? Have you been busy too? I'm sorry for being away for such a long time...life has happened. Kids, family, work...the usual everyday hamster wheel going round and round and round.

I don't usually have regrets in my life. That's not the way I role. But today, I will tell you of my biggest regret to date. It pains me greatly because I could have done something about it. But I didn't. I didn't follow my instincts. I was wrong...so, so wrong.

A few days ago, we had my baby boy circumcised.

That's right...circumcised. It has been the worse decision I've ever made in my life. Every time I look at him in pain, I die a little inside. Because I, as a mother, should have never agreed for such a little being to have to undergo so much pain for someone so little.

Sure, the doctor says it's not really painful...and so do the nurses. Sure, there's literature saying that neonates have no recollection of why something hurts - they live in the here and now.

But when I look at my baby boy, my tiny little man, and I hear him cry...I know he's in pain. And the worst part is - I know I caused it.

It breaks my heart...every single day...and every single day, I regret the decision I made.

I'm sorry, my chubba bubba. Mommy's so sorry for putting you through this ordeal. I can only do what I can to help you heal and hope that God has some mercy on you and takes away your pain and suffering.

I love you so much and I would take away this pain from you and bear it myself if I could...

I'm sorry...

I'm so, so sorry...

Halt!

Ahhh, just when you think things are going smoothly, life throws a wrench in the works. My dad had a stroke and is pretty much paralysed on the right hand side of his body.

I don't mean to complain but I am so tired. Tired of being the last to know. Tired of being the one who does the coordinating. Tired of being the go between. Tired of cleaning up after everyone. Just plain tired.

But most of all, I am sad. Of the extremely verbose and rich English language, this simple word sums up how I feel so succinctly.

I am sad that my dad will never be the same again. It has been shocking how much muscle and weight he has lost. And his speech...my multilingual father is reduced to a few simple words.

I am sad that my mom is beyond exhausted and that I can't do enough to help. And the light at the tunnel is still so so far away.

I am sad that my child will not know her grandfather as I know him. He was the man who taught me to ride a bike, catch a fish and sprint 100m. He nurtured my love for music and made me the analytical, methodical person that I am.

But most of all, in the depths of my soul, I am just plain sad. Terribly, unjustifiably sad. It is so unkind of God to leave such a strong man so weak and vulnerable. So terribly unkind.

But we must continue. For one day, we will come to the end of the tunnel. And hopefully, there will be light.

Please God, let there be light...

Book Pledge Day 70: Very First Words

I'm getting more and more into Usborne books. This one showed all sorts of stuff from colours to body parts to inside and out. Loved the bright pictures and cute characters.

Book Pledge Day 69: Go Baby Go!

Another book by Sally Rippin with simple concepts and cute pictures! Another one of those books where making sound to isn't at all silly!

Book Pledge Day 68: Colours

This book must have some Japanese influence because this reminds me of those cute Japanese characters like Pikachu and Totoro. Good introduction with not too many colours.