Hello old friend...it's been awhile. How have you been? Have you been busy too? I'm sorry for being away for such a long time...life has happened. Kids, family, work...the usual everyday hamster wheel going round and round and round.

I don't usually have regrets in my life. That's not the way I role. But today, I will tell you of my biggest regret to date. It pains me greatly because I could have done something about it. But I didn't. I didn't follow my instincts. I was wrong...so, so wrong.

A few days ago, we had my baby boy circumcised.

That's right...circumcised. It has been the worse decision I've ever made in my life. Every time I look at him in pain, I die a little inside. Because I, as a mother, should have never agreed for such a little being to have to undergo so much pain for someone so little.

Sure, the doctor says it's not really painful...and so do the nurses. Sure, there's literature saying that neonates have no recollection of why something hurts - they live in the here and now.

But when I look at my baby boy, my tiny little man, and I hear him cry...I know he's in pain. And the worst part is - I know I caused it.

It breaks my heart...every single day...and every single day, I regret the decision I made.

I'm sorry, my chubba bubba. Mommy's so sorry for putting you through this ordeal. I can only do what I can to help you heal and hope that God has some mercy on you and takes away your pain and suffering.

I love you so much and I would take away this pain from you and bear it myself if I could...

I'm sorry...

I'm so, so sorry...


pugly said...

Oh darling ... don't be too hard on yourself. I blame the doctor for not being totally honest with you. It is too young for an infant boy to be circumcised, but how are you supposed to know that?

If it is at all possible, give him some pati ikan haruan to speed up the healing process. A dab of gamat gel on the sore area might help too.

I hope junior (& mummy) will feel better in no time *big hugs*

izchan said...

I wished we could have met again at better circumstances. But at least we know you are well (enough) and that all is good (somewhat).

It is painful even when done properly. But he will heal soon. It will pass. And he is blessed by having a mother who truly feels his pain.
God be with you.