12.8.08

A013


School seems like such a long time ago. And yet, I still remember my SPM examination number. I also remember pulling late nighters, skipping Additional Maths (coz' I absolutely sucked at it), getting my IRC nick at school (I had a cold and turned up in this oversized white jumper and got called 'skimo) and other such memorable times.

How I wish that I wasn't in such a hurry to grow up.

Today was one of those days that I wish I had just not turned up for work. It just sucked so badly that on a scale of 1 to 10, it was -100! Ever since the new boss came to our department on secondment, I've just been miserable. Is it me? Is it my resistence to change?

I've never cried over a job before so having done it twice in the last 2 weeks to me, is drastic. What's worse is that I did it today, in front of him. I'm still kicking myself because I have told myself that I will never, EVER be a woman at work. I'll never be weak and cry and show any sort of soft emotions. I will never let my gender stand between me and what I want.

And I failed.

I've always enjoyed what I do and I'm always really good at my job. I've never been in a position like this before. And I hate it. I hate that forever more, he's going to remember this and hold it against me. I hate that the whole office knows that I let him get to me. And I hate that I feel this way.

I've never been like this before. Everyone who knows me knows how happy and cheerful I always am. And people always count on me to be positive...and cheerful. Its been awhile since I've lived up to 'Sunshine'...

Can someone tell me when its going to stop pouring? When will I become a better person because of this? When will it stop to hurt, like the splinter under my skin that just won't come out?

9 comments:

pugly said...

*BIG HUGS*

Tu lah, orang suruh duduk Malaysia tak nak. If not I can just whisk you away for a lil' ice cream & things would seem so much better!

Honey, stop kidding yourself. The time has come for you to move on. When the job is starting to make you feel so miserable that you start to act out of character, then no matter how you proclaim you 'love' it, it's time to move on.

Been there, did as prescribed above. The only reason I'm kicking myself now is the fact that I didn't do the deed sooner.

I'm always here if you want to talk. You have my number.

beeeeeeeeeeee said...

*another BIG HUGS*

pugly is so right...

that happened in my last job... not the crying bit but the hating bit. i used to love that job until the new manager arrived and just rocked everything. i wasn't resisting change but i can see unfairness when it's staring directly at me. i was depressed... got really huge... got more depressed... and after months and months of agony, handed in my notice without having another job to go to. best decision in my life!

and now in my new job... although i moan here and there... i'm much happier and i've progressed so much that i wondered what stopped me before.

just let me know if you need a chat

again... *hugs*

Maggie said...

*warm hug*

Hang in there! Can't wait for you to return to Malaysia for your hols!

Btw, are you preggers? Didja check?

Anonymous said...

take a break & sleep - may make a difference

or

do nothing & wait - time may do the trick

or

talk to someone about it - talking face to face may do the trick for some

or

change job

uncle

izso said...

Do what I do.. (am gonna put it crudely)

MOTIU!

Get your work done and screw everything else. And when you get a new job...MOTIU!
Leave right away! And sneer in their face.

*pats on the back*

NinJaMoo said...

pugly: Thanks babe *hugs*. & thanks for being there when I needed to talk, you must be a mind reader! I will see you soon and will take you up on that ice cream offer!

beeeeeeeeeeee: *hugs* to you too. I've already told my manager that she needs to come back after her secondment, if not, I can't guarantee where I'll be...!!!

NinJaMoo said...

maggie: Thanks *hugs* And no, what does being pregnant have to do with anything?

uncle: Time and talking to my old boss has helped a lot...

izso: *pats izso back* Thanks Izso. It'll be alright. I think I just need to care less...

FairyGodmother said...

babe,

i just read (ketinggalan zaman, i know)...

are u okay?! who is this bugger? let me at him!

anyways, you just have to start to be errr a tad bit more 'brutal' coz honey, you are too nice!

if he gives you sh1t, just slap his head. if you don't feel like it, tell me, i'll gladly send someone to do the deed (yela, pregnant mommy can't be slapping people around now, can i?!)

you take care babes,and can't wait till you get back.

NinJaMoo said...

FGM: It's all good, I'm fine now. =) *hugs* Thank you for the offer, can't wait to come back and catch up...